I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
