i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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