also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
