every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
