I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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