my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
