god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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