its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
