I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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