Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
