There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
