Cold hands, warm shart.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
