Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize