A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just invented taco cereal.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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