God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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