Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
