wanna go halves on a baby?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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