i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
