She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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