If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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