like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize