A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
