I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
