i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Enjoy the penises
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
