I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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