Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
