I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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