you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
