I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
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