I bet he comes in French.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
