Porn is love you can see.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
worst night to have a conscience
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
