Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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