i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
