9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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