I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
