We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
