You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
