I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
