How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
