I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
