I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
