We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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