he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
