Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
