just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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