i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
