Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
