Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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