I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
