i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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