vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
