my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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