what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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