we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
