I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize